I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
