I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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