i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sober January is a disaster.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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