I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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