I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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