I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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