Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
