Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
