Don't make out with my wife yet
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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