didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
