When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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