Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
