He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
