Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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