what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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