I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
