Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
