i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
