there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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