my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
