I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
