As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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