my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
