Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
