my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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