mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
