Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
