Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
