also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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