She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Congratulations! We have a period
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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