if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
