If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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