I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
