please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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