I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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