and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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