My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
