Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
