My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
