you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
