My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
