I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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