Four minutes until I can fart!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
