What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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