There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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