Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
