he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
