Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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