he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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