Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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