I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
