I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
