I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
