I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
