you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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