sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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