Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
