she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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