i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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